Mothers Day

Today was sooo hard......Thank god my friend Tiffany was with me almost all day. We went to visit my Mom.... took flowers and balloons. I left in tears. We went to dinner...then to her moms. I really didn't feel like talking to anyone. I hope that eventually Mothers day will be a good thing again. :(

Howdy do da!

Hey J
It's been a long time since
I've seen you last
A half and twenty-six years
(My time is fast)
I'm well
Though I've gone through
Some deep changes in my life
It hasn't been easy
Oh no not for me
It's been difficult at times
Sometimes I'd sit down and cry
And ask God oh why
(Fair.... what is?)
I know how you're feelin'
Same thing I did deal with
Ya not as alone
As you may feel
You see but oh
It catches up to us fast
We have to deal with our past
I know it's painful but
There you'll find specialness'
Cause everybody needs to feel real special
We need to remember
The love lies deep within ourselves
We have to want it so
It starts with us and no one else
We must learn
We're all born with specialness inside of us

I have the need
To feel real special too

You see,
you can't run away from your pain
Because wherever you run there you will be
You have to learn to water your spiritual garden
Then you will be free
I know how you're feelin'
Same thing I did deal with
Ya not as alone
As you may feel
You see but oh
It catches up to us fast
We have to deal with our past
I know it's painful but
There you'll find specialness'
Cause everybody needs to feel real special
We need to remember
The love lies deep within ourselves
We have to want it so
It starts with us and no one else
We must learn
We're all born
with specialness inside of us
I have the needTo feel real special too

I pick myself up and dust me off again!

I'm so tired,
I'm tired of all this drama
No more, I wanna be free.

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain,No more pain
No drama, no more drama in my life
No one's gonna make me hurt again.

Why'd I play the fool?
Go through ups and downs?
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
But baby I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain,No more game, no more game messin' with my mind
No drama, no more drama in my life.
No one's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears, No more fears, I really don't wanna cry
I don't ever wanna hurt again.

Wanna speak my mind,
Oooh, it feels so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

I don't know.
Only God knows where the story ends For me,
but I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Wether we win or loose
And I choose to win
No more pain, No more game, No more drama in my life

Long Time

I see it has been a long time since I last reported lol. I have been so busy. Tax season is hell at work, since we are a bank. Life at work is getting crazy. I am getting one project after another!! I feel like my head is spinning lol. Today though will be a good relxing day! Since I am off me and my friend Alicia are going shopping and to dinner. Which means there will be tons of funny stories and adventures!

A lesson from a Homeless Man

Tonight as I was coming home from work, I got a craving for a Pepsi and Cheetos! I decided to stop at a 7 eleven close to my house. As I pulled in a saw that there was a man who was obviously homeless, sitting in a wheelchair with a cup of coffee. My first thought as I was getting out of my car was, "Great, he is going to hound me for money." I started to walk to the front of the store, and of course was not trying to make eye contact. That's when he looked at me and said, "good evening!" I said hello back and then walked into the store, in shame. I can't believe that I, DANIELLE, actually thought about him in such an insensitive way. I guess that after being bugged so much by people, that I was getting annoyed. I got my stuff and after thinking about it for a few minutes, I asked the cashier for cash back. To his response of how much? I looked out the window at the older man saying Hi to people and sipping on warm coffee. I looked back at the cashier and said $20. I got my bag and walked out. This time I made eye contact with the man. He had no idea that my intentions where to give him money. Instead he looked at me and said Take Care. I looked at him and then smiled and slipped him the $20. He looked at me with the biggest smile and said, "Thank you!" I saw his smile all the way into his eyes. I got back into my car and started to drive away and he smiled and waived to me. I sat and thought for a minute, He was never going to ask me for any money. This man had sat there with nothing, couldn't even walk and he had the spirit to say Hi and to tell ME to take care. I think that I got more from him than he got from me. He truly taught me to never doubt the human spirit, and even in the worst situations to never loose your kindness. I must say he woke me up and lifted my heart. Now when I see a homeless person.....My first thought won't be god he is going to ask for money. It will be hmmm what can I give him to make him smile in his eyes?

Caring for the Old

I talked to friend online today, and was asked a question that I have not been asked in a long time. "How have you been since the loss of your mom?" I honestly can't answer that question. I find myself preocupied my time in work. The minute I think about it? I throw myself in a new project. Then she said to me something that I have needed to hear in a long while. It let me know that I didn't waste my time....For 5 years. She told me that how I was with my mother made her go into Old age care. It brought me to tears.....It also made me think of all the old people that I encountered that did not have loved ones visit them. It was so astounding to me that there were 50 other seniors in there dyeing and I was the only one to visit my parent on holidays...Or even weekly for that matter. I would walk in and they would be in their wheelchair's just waiting in the hall. Like they wanted to go somewhere...But no one took the time to take them where they wanted. I would smile and just say HI! And they would light up... Like the world just began for them. They would reach out to touch my hand, to touch me for just a simple connection a simple touch. While caring for my mom, I guess you can say that I adopted everyone else. Everything I would bring her home for Easter...I would bring baskets back for them too. My mom...Would always help this lady that was in the room next to her. She was a 104 and was so proud of that. On the wall she had a letter from President Clinton congratulating her on reaching 100 years on the earth. It was something so simple but stood for so much. This woman who no one would pay attention to..Because she had alzhiemers and would repeat herself over and over, taught me so much. My mom would always drag me to her room to go visit her. But it turns out...She wasn't dragging me...Because I enjoyed every minute of it. She would talk to me about her teaching for 25 years.....She would come out of her covers when I came in and light up like a lamp and immediately tell me stories about her teaching..... About her being young and her mom making her homemade candy when she was a child. Of course she would tell me the stories over and over again.....But it didn't matter. It was what she needed to feel loved, just for someone to take the time to hear her. As she told me her stories she would hold my hand or rub my arm. She a lot of times would get confused and think I was her niece.....She would tell me that she has always loved me and that I was her favorite niece. I never had the heart to tell her I wasn't who she thought I was. Who am I to crush her heart? Maybe she needed to think she was talking to her family for her own peace. After a few months of visiting her.....She passed away one early morning. My mom was crushed, she took to her, she watched over her, took care of whatever she needed. Looking back I think that my mom helped her in an effort to feel like she had more control over what was happening to her. After Ida died...I had to lay with my mom for hours. She wouldn't get up or eat. It was like a little piece if her went with Ida. Maybe that was a realization to her... That she wasn't going to be leaving that place. I think she realized that the only way to get out was through death. I have never forgot my talks with Ida....Or her stories about teaching English and being able to fall asleep anywhere at the drop of a hat every since she was little. I saw in me so much of my mom. My mom would take care of her the way I had started to take care of her. My mom's whole life she had always took care of everyone else, even in her last days, she never stopped to think, I am sick to that's why I am in here. Instead she helped people that were in there with her just like she had done all her life. It was amazing to me how there were so many that were in the nursing home that the nurses dubbed as the bad ones because they fought the nurses or where mean. Every single one of them became my friends. And it was because instead of demanding them to do stuff, I treated them like equals. I took the time to show that I truly cared and to listen to them. To touch them, to hug them, to just smile at them. I learned that sometime....All it takes is listening instead of talking to make someone know you care.

U2

Well today was my first day in my new position at work...grrrr. I really miss New York. New York is just an amazing place! I truly felt at home and at piece in New York. I can easily see myself moving there. Everytime I go I come back a little more sad.....feeling homesick. That should be nuts..seeing as how my whole life my home has been in California. When I am wanting to feel Ny again? I listen to U2"s song vertigo. I have no idea why but it always puts me back in that place! Makes me happy.

U2

Uno, dos, tres, catorce
(Turn it up loud, captain)
Lights go down, it's dark
Your jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
A feeling so much stronger than
I thought your eyes are widened
Though your soul, it can't be bought
Your mind can wander
Hello, hello (hola!)I'm at a place called vertigo (dónde está)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something
I can feelFeel
The night is full of holes
There's bullets ripping sky
Of ink, with gold
They twinkle as the boys
Play rock and roll
They know that they can't dance
At least they know
I can't stand the beats
I'm asking for the check
Girl with crimson nails
Has Jesus 'round her neck
Swinging to the music
Swinging to the music
Hello, hello (hola!)I'm at place called vertigo (dónde está)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
But you give me something
I can feelFeel
(Check it)
All of this
All of this can be yours
All of this
All of this can be yours
All of this
All of this can be yours
Just give me what I want
And no one gets hurt
Hello, hello (hola!)We're at a place called vertigo (dónde está)
Lights go down and all I know
Is that you give me something
I can feel your love teaching me how
Your love is teaching me how
How to kneel
Kneel
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah